The day started out completely standard. Day 9 woke up, stretched, cuddled Manfred one last time, and leapt out of bed. The leaping was made easier since he fell asleep wearing his super hero cape. Actually, he did that a lot lately, now that he thought of it. In fact, he realized, that might be why he hadn't been on a date lately. . . . Moving on.
Like I said, the day started out normally: 5 minute power wash, Bear Semen and a bagel for breakfast, and then the morning run. Oh the morning run, a glorious way to start the day, especially for any one of the hundreds of girls that lined up outside Day 9's house to watch. With straining eyes and yearning hearts they daily waited for him to appear from his cave, his green/hazel eyes blazing, his hair a mess but sexy, his bulging muscles practically tearing his shirt off whenever he moved. It was quite a sight.
As he jogged down the street the line of girls cooed excitedly, watching his manly muscles ripple, a thin sheet of sweat making it look like he had been dipped in butter, his arm hair blowing in the wind.
"Oh my," sighed one girl. "He's so hot. I don't play video games--because I'm a girl--but I've heard he's totally awesome at some sort of computer thing. Maybe he'll have sex with me."
"No," screamed another girl, running over to the first, "I want to have sex with him."
With that the girls immediately took to pulling each others hair and ripping each other's clothes off as girls are wont to do when fighting. The first of the girls took advantage of the lack of two opponents and tried to grab Day 9's attention by flirting and cat calling. But Day 9 would have none of it. He was focused. Focused on running and making himself more awesome. As each foot slapped the pavement, he just repeated his mantra to himself, "Build pylons, build probes. Build pylons, build probes. Build pylons, build probes," and so passed by the girls without even so much as a glance.
That is until something finally did grab his attention. He was still jogging when he noticed a lithe figure walking up ahead. What caught Day 9's attention was the man's hair; it was almost stark white and honestly blinded him so much he ran into a stop sign. But what kept his attention on the man was that he seemed to just be strolling along, and as Day 9 watched, he suddenly skipped.
Day 9 stopped short (well, he had hit a stop sign) and stared.
"No, it couldn't be," he thought. He jogged up behind the person and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Uniden?" Day 9 inquired, hoping beyond hope that he was right. As the man turned, Day 9 gasped, taking in his tanned face, small quick smile, and startled deep blue eyes. Day 9 thought he could stare into those eyes forever.
"OMG (naturally pronounced 'AHM-guh')," Uniden said. "You're Day 9! The Day 9."
"Why yes," Day 9 replied in a sultry tone, flexing his shiny butter-covered biceps. "Yes I am."
Uniden was beside himself. Never had he been in this presence of someone so great. He took in Day 9's crazy but ever stylish hair and his goofy yet adorable smile and immediately felt a stirring in his stomach. He thought that it could possibly just be hunger since he had skipped breakfast, but he also thought that Day 9 was fucking hot. Finally he looked down and noticed that Day 9 was not wearing pants.
"Day 9, um. . .you know you don't have pants on," Uniden stammered out, not being able to draw his eyes away from his enormous trust fund.
"Oh that," Day 9 replied, smirking at the other's obvious staring, "I never do. Any time you see me with pants on in my show, it's just CGI. Now. Speaking of no pants, how about you come back to my place and we do a little 1v1?" Day 9 wiggled his eyebrows at the suggestion.
Well, how could Uniden say no to a request like that? Immediately after nodding his consent, Day 9 picked him up and flew back towards his house (remember? the cape?).
"ZOMG (also naturally pronounced 'ZAHM-guh') Day 9!" exclaimed Uniden. "You can fly?!?!!!?!?/!111/?!?!?"
"Why yes I can," bellowed Day 9, his booming voice echoing over the valley below, "I am Captain Thought Hammer." He paused for dramatic effect and then clarified, "The hammer is my penis."
When they arrived at Day 9's cave (you know, like the bat cave, but cooler), he gently set Uniden down and brushed his soft blonde hair behind his ear. The quick air travel had quite tousled it and Day 9 thought it was just adorable. Unfortunately Day 9 himself had to struggle to get a pigeon that had decided to roost on his head out of his own hair.
Suddenly soft Spanish music started to echo throughout the cave. Uniden turned to find that Day 9 had disappeared into some adjacent room, only to appear moments later with a tray of food.
"Goat cheese on baguettes with sun dried tomatoes?" he offered the stunned Uniden. He hesitantly took a piece and filled his mouth with the most delicious thing he had ever tasted.
"Tasty, right? I'll give you something tasty. Why don't you come to the bedroom and I'll show you my colossus." The two exited the room to the sound of trumpets completely killing the mood.
